By: Steve Wilmot
Edgerton, Ohio
Think about your most important relationships. Are they as good as they can be? Mine neither.
A fantastic first strategy to improve each relationship might be hard for you. But once you apply it to those you love, you are well on your way to deeper and more fulfilling connections.
That strategy is Be ALL There. My dad was there when I was growing up. He just wasn’t ALL there.
He’d come home from work, mumble a few words to us, gobble down supper in silence, then make a beeline for his favorite recliner, where he’d read the newspaper and watch television until bedtime.
He was in the house; I could see him; he took responsibility for providing what we needed, but he wasn’t really there. Not ALL there. Home was a stopover on the way to the rest of his life.
I don’t like to replay this scene from my past because it reminds me of what could have been. I assume many of you are in the same boat. It doesn’t contribute to building a close relationship.
What does it mean to be ALL there? Sometimes the best way to describe something is to explain what it’s not. Being ALL there is not smiling and nodding while your mind is elsewhere.
It’s not answering an email, reading a text message, glancing at the ballgame on television out of the corner of your eye, and helping your son with homework all while you “listen” to your wife pour out her heart. Multi-tasking is great for the office, but it’s terrible for relationships.
If you’re ALL there, you remove distractions and focus on the people around you. We read an example of what it means to be ALL there in Luke 10:38-42. Jesus accepts an invitation to the home of Mary and Martha for supper and to relax and recharge.
Martha hustles around the house to get everything prepared just right for their Special Guest. Elsewhere in the room, Mary sits at Jesus’ feet and listens to what he’s saying.
After a while, Martha’s had enough. She rushes over to Jesus and demands he tell Mary to help her. Jesus responds, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better.”
Martha was there; Mary was ALL there. Martha was “distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.” Mary honored Jesus with her undivided attention.
Martha’s concern to make Jesus comfortable was commendable, but Mary chose what was better. Mary chose—that’s key. To be ALL there, you must make a deliberate choice to do so. If you don’t, you’ll always default to tasks instead of people.
You have things to do, people to see, places to go. An endless to-do list at home and responsibilities at work elbow out the better things of life.
It’s easy to fall into Martha’s trap, to worry and get upset about all sorts of things that seem important, and miss what matters most. When you do, you cannot do what Jesus affirms is “better.”
It takes a deliberate choice. The choice to turn off the television, put down your phone, let social media wait, and give your full attention to the people who matter the most to you.
When you’re not ALL there, you send a clear message: “You’re not important enough to me to give you ALL my attention. I have more important things to do.”
You don’t intend to send that message, but it comes through loud and clear. When my kids were small, they’d call out to me, “Dad, look!” It always seemed to happen at the best part of a show I was watching on television. Or an interruption to a project I was working on.
I’d answer, “Yeah?” without turning from the television or my work. So they’d climb on my lap, put their hands on my cheeks, and turn my head to look them in the eye. They wanted my undivided attention. They needed Dad to be ALL there.
They still do. So do my wife, my friends, and my grandkids. So do yours. They never outgrow the need.
A mother wrote a lengthy essay years ago she titled “Children Won’t Wait.” Here are a few lines.
“The house will wait. The dishes will wait. The new room can wait. But children don’t wait… God give me wisdom to see that today is my day with my children. That there is no unimportant moment in their lives… My time is now because children won’t wait.”
The same is true in all your relationships. So, put down whatever you’re doing and give them your full attention. The work will still be there later. The emails and texts will be there later. You can stream the game or television program at another time.
You won’t miss a thing… unless you aren’t ALL there for the most important people in your life.
If you miss that, you miss everything.
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Steve Wilmot is a former Edgerton, Ohio area pastor who now seeks “to still bear fruit in old age” through writing. He is the author of seven books designed to assist believers to make steady progress on their spiritual journey.