By: Pastor Steve Wilmot
Edgerton, Ohio
The famous astronaut Buzz Aldrin faced a conflict after returning from the moon.
He spiraled into a deep depression that ultimately resulted in him being hospitalized, medicated and put through a battery of psychiatric treatments.
Once the medicine kicked in, he felt so much better he immediately began making plans for a new start, which included divorcing his wife and marrying his lover.
He decided to spend Thanksgiving with his wife and children so everything could be like old times. Then he’d take his wife to Acapulco for their 17th anniversary… and break the news to her there about the divorce.
A sure-fire recipe for conflict. It’s impossible to avoid conflicts with people. Wherever there are people, there will be clashes. It may be with family or friends, teammates or co-workers, fellow church goers or neighbors.
Whatever it is, building healthy relationships with others by learning how to resolve conflict is vital to a fulfilling life.
Whenever there is conflict between people, it’s our natural tendency to blame the other person. They are in the wrong. They’re at fault. They need to make things right. They, they, they.
But the truth is whenever there is a conflict in a relationship, no one is ever 100 percent at fault, and the other person 100 percent innocent. There is always enough blame to go around. James enumerates the root causes of conflict.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4.1-2).
That makes the source of conflicts clear, doesn’t it? The reason we have conflicts is that we don’t get what we want. We want our way. We want what they have. We want to be appreciated and recognized. We want to make a point. We want to be right.
When these things don’t happen, a conflict is right around the corner.
One of the biggest villains that keeps a conflict unresolved is how we keep offenses and wrongs fresh in our minds. We rehearse them… and get madder and more determined to get even as a result.
Our natural inclination is either to strike back and hurt them as much as they hurt us, or to recoil and break off the relationship.
You cannot avoid conflict, but whether you do all you can to resolve it is. Paul wrote, As far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone (Romans 12.18).
“To practice the process of conflict resolution, we must completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want” (Marshall Rosenberg). Instead, make it your goal to do what Jesus wants you to do to resolve the conflict and restore the relationship.
Here’s what Jesus wants…Forgive the other person. Where there is forgiveness, there is always hope for reconciliation between warring parties.
Keep short accounts. Tear up your mental record of the wrongs the other person has done to you. If you hold on to resentment, plot revenge, or allow bitterness to take root in your heart, you are certain to prolong conflict and wreck relationships.
Love the person you’re in conflict with. “Conflict cannot continue without your participation” (Wayne W, Dyer). Replace retaliation with generous servings of love. Paul wrote love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor 13.7).
Love always protects. If you love someone, you’ll not expose their weaknesses to others, even when you’re chomping at the bit to reveal their faults to anyone within earshot. Love zips its lips.
Love always trusts. Even in the worst moments of conflict, you choose to remember the best about the other person — their positive qualities, and the good deeds they’ve done for others, probably even for you before the conflict split you up. You celebrate the best and believe the best.
Love always hopes. Remember your friend is on a lifelong journey. He’s a work in progress who will do unloving things at times.
But when you love, you decide to see the person he will become instead of focusing on his faults today. Love offers grace, not criticism, when he messes up.
Love always perseveres. When conflicts arise, love doesn’t let you bail on him. You don’t give up on him. You never wash your hands of him. You stick with him for the long haul.
As Josh McDowell said, “It is more rewarding to resolve conflict than to dissolve a relationship.” Take care of any conflicts in your life now.
———————–
Steve Wilmot is a former Edgerton, Ohio area pastor who now seeks “to still bear fruit in old age” through writing. He is the author of seven books designed to assist believers to make steady progress on their spiritual journey.
