By: Steve Wilmot
Edgerton, Ohio
When a friend is hurting, our first instinct is to help. Ease their pain. Convince them to hold on to hope rather than slide into despair. Aid them get back to normal as soon as possible.
Often this help comes in the form of words. Words meant to assist them to refocus on God’s promises.
To hold on to faith. To remind them that God “causes all things to work together for good.”
But are words the best way to help in times like these, or might there be something better? A sentence I read recently made me check my history.
It made me question how helpful I’ve been to friends in the past when I used the “words” approach to ease their pain.
“He went on to list several reasons that may justify our suffering, and we’ve all heard them, often from well-intentioned friends who fail to grasp the time and place where comfort comes in few words.
Guilty as charged. I’ve been that “well-intentioned” friend who quotes Scripture hoping to help them cope. “If I can remind them that God is good, and God has everything under control, and God loves them, they’ll be okay.”
I’ll bet you’ve done it, too. Or stayed away because you didn’t know what to say. How wonderful it is to recite the right words that rescue a friend from his suffering.
Delightful for sure. But most times there aren’t any. The best way to help a friend in times like these is by your presence. Be there. Even if you don’t say a word. Maybe especially when you don’t. Some instances recorded in the Bible agree with this suggestion.
When crucifixion loomed, Jesus slipped away to the Garden of Gethsemane. Mark tells us he brought Peter, James, and John with him as he “began to be deeply distressed and troubled.” He asked them to stay with him because “My heart is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” (Mark 14:32-34).
At the lowest point of Jesus’ life, he didn’t need a pep talk. He needed to be with friends. Under arrest and on his way to stand trial before Caesar, Paul “thanked God and was encouraged” when some believers showed up to go with him on the last leg of the journey. It wasn’t anything they said that encouraged him. It was their presence.
Job lost everything dear to him and contracted a condition that left painful sores all over his body. When his three closest friends learned everything that happened to him, they came to see him.
What did they do once they got to his house? How did they try to comfort him? “When they saw him… they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.
Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job. 2.12-13).
There it is in black and white. Their friend’s suffering moved them to tears. They zipped their lips and “sat on the ground with him.” They were with him and they stayed with him.
The best way to help someone ripped apart by grief and pain is to be there. Be present. Show up. Keep your words to a minimum. There will be a time for talk, but when the issue is fresh it’s not the time. It’s time to be with them.
Many years ago, our lives fell apart when one of our children turned away from the God we raised him to love. Equally painful, he left us—his parents and siblings. We were heartbroken.
We couldn’t turn off the tears. We couldn’t pretend that our faith wasn’t wavering. Everything looked bleak and confusing.
A husband and wife who were friends got wind of the news and dropped everything to come to our house. They wanted to help us bear the burden. Decades later, one thing they said lingers still in my memory.
They said, “I wish we could fix this for you, but we can’t. But we want you to know you will not have to go through it alone.”
Isn’t that what we need during the dark nights of the soul? More than anything, we want someone to walk alongside us. A comrade to hug us and cry with us and pray with us.
A brother or sister in Christ who won’t go away when we’re not healing on a certain timetable. Someone who will point us to the promises of a faithful, loving, and merciful God when we are ready to listen.
I’d love to have a buddy or three when I hit bottom, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it or come through it. You would too, huh?
So would your friends. Be that presence to them. You’ll worry you won’t be able to help. Do not be afraid. Be there. Give them a hug. Cry with them. Bring them a meal. Sit in silence with them. Be available to talk when they initiate conversation.
Truth is it’s easy to get out of your easy chair, hop in your car and drive to their house to be with them so they don’t have to go through it alone. That’s real help, and anyone can do it.
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Steve Wilmot is a former Edgerton, Ohio area pastor who now seeks “to still bear fruit in old age” through writing. He is the author of seven books designed to assist believers to make steady progress on their spiritual journey.