By: Mike Kelly, Retired Pastor
Bryan, Ohio
Let me begin by saying I will say “she” when talking of the pastor’s spouse, since 85% of pastors are men, but the concepts are gender neutral. They can be applied to either a male or female spouse.
God said that when we marry, we become one. That means when you attack or devalue the pastor’s spouse, you are also attacking your pastor.
And, when you disrespect your pastor, you are also disrespecting his spouse. And, conversely, when you praise and appreciate your pastor, you are also appreciating his spouse.
It might shock you to know that not every pastor’s spouse wants that job. Some are simply given it by means of being married to the person the congregation called.
They may be ill-equipped by personality to play second fiddle to the guy up front. Too many congregants have expectations of the pastor’s spouse that are neither fair nor justified.
The spouse may not have the skills most smaller congregations think a pastor’s spouse should have. Perhaps they don’t want to work in the nursery or teach a class or host an event or play the piano or whatever someone thinks they should do because they are the pastor’s spouse.
Every pastor brings different skills to the ministry, and so does every pastor’s spouse. Too frequently, the congregation allows the pastor to design the job around his skill set, but they don’t give the spouse such leeway. So, the spouses are destined to be a disappointment to many in the congregation.
The pastor’s spouse has one main job, and it doesn’t show up on any organizational chart. It’s a job no one else can do. The spouse’s main job is to be the wind beneath the pastor’s wings.
Her job is to listen to him, to comfort him, to keep the home a place where he can recover from the wounds of battle.
She adds balance to what he is living with at work. To lift him up when he is down and to keep him real when he is flying a little too high.
There may be no tougher job than being a pastor’s spouse. She knows his heart and how much he truly cares for his congregation, yet she has to watch him be attacked and bullied.
She wants to protect and defend him, but she can’t. She can’t call the board member who showed such disrespect at the last meeting. She can’t easily address the gossip who is spreading tales.
She’s left with just one alternative: to pray. Intercession is her second most important job as a pastor’s spouse. And intercessors don’t get revenge, and they only sometimes see the scales balanced but they make an incredible difference.
Also, don’t use her as an end-around to get to the pastor. Too often, people don’t want to confront the pastor, so they confront the spouse instead.
Telling the spouse your concerns about the pastor is wrong! If you can’t criticize him to his face, then keep quiet. Same for trying to get your views to him through her. Tell him directly or keep your mouth shut.
To truly take care of your pastor’s spouse means thinking about your expectations and bringing them into reality for the specific spouse you have.
It means to pray for her strength and wisdom. And to pray that she finds a confidante who can walk beside her for her role is just as lonely as his.
Don’t underestimate how hard it is to share your spouse with a lot of other people and their needs. She needs to be told she is doing a good job.
The sacrifices she makes need to be acknowledged in comments and notes. And, like the pastor, she doesn’t get a day off. If he’s on call, so is she, so look for practical ways to support her. Think through what you can do for them without putting more work on them.
Things like preparing a meal for them or giving them a gift certificate for a night out. Maybe bring a loaf of baked bread and some homemade jelly or some chocolate chip cookies over.
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Mike Kelly is the founding pastor of Bryan’s Grace Community Church (retired) and Board Chairman of Bryan’s Sanctuary Homeless Shelter and Williams County’s Compassion (free) Medical Clinic.